When red flags arise, they often aren't as obvious as we'd think.
Here, experts break down which ones to watch out for-and how to fix
them.
1. You don’t respect each other.
When
you start dating someone, you’re head over heels. But eventually, you
discover their flaws, weaknesses, and the totally random stuff that
drives you crazy. “You have to respect that people get to be who they
are,” says Megan Hunter, author of Bait & Switch: Saving Your Relationship After Incredible Romance Turns Into Exhausting Chaos.
“Remind yourself that your brains are wired differently, and asking
your partner to change that is like asking someone to change their skin
colour.” It’s all too easy to resort to a disrespectful or condescending
tone when we’re not getting our way, but research shows that speaking
with contempt can be a big reason for a marriage imploding, adds Hunter.
“When I see spouses begin to change their tone of voice and really pay
attention when their partner is talking, I typically see that
relationship become stronger again.”
2. You’ve unconsciously uncoupled.
Over
the years, couples can devolve into more of a management team than a
married pair, thanks to overwhelming to-do lists that include everything
from managing a mortgage to caring for kids and aging parents. “By year 10, many relationships come to resemble that of two roommates,” says Debrena Gandy, author of The Love Lies.
“Your communication becomes focused on the business of your lives,
rather than meaningful topics related to the two of you.” The easiest
solve? Date night. But making that a priority amidst other tasks can be
tough. “I recommend that couples have a standing date night each month.
Switch off planning, block it off on your calendar, and make a rule that
if it needs to rescheduled, the other person must first agree,” says
Gandy. “As time goes on, it becomes an integral part of the
relationship, which both partners value and mutually support.”
3. You’re not putting in the extra effort.
Remember when you first started dating—you spent hours getting ready and he both shaved and
put on cologne. “You stepped up your game to be in each other’s
company,” says Gandy. “We call it the ‘honeymoon phase,’ but the fact
that we identify the time when passion and interest are high as a phase
suggests there is an underlying belief that these things are expected to
eventually decline.” That can lead to your taking your spouse for
granted and losing respect for each other, which in turn can spur
emotional or physical infidelity, resentment, and frequent conflict.
“The word respect is based in seeing the other again,” says
Gandy. “By striving to see your partner anew each day, you’re committing
to the idea that passion doesn’t need to fade, but can instead continue
to grow deeper.”
4. You’re playing the blame game.
In
a marriage, things happen—someone misses a credit card bill, someone
forgets an anniversary, and so on. “But the more you get into that
it’s-all-your-fault mentality, the more you stop taking responsibility
for your own actions,” says Hunter. “When you’re not looking inward and
trying to improve yourself, it can start to erode your marriage.” In a
tense situation, you want to connect with your spouse on two levels,
says Hunter: verbally, by saying something like, “I think I understand
what you are trying to say,” and nonverbally, by using a calm voice or
kind eye contact—anything that shows you’re paying attention. “The next
step is to help the other person, and maybe even yourself, shift into
problem-solving mode. Once you’ve dealt with the emotional aspect, you
might say something like, ‘What ideas do you have to resolve this?’”
suggests Hunter.
5. There’s no intimacy.
If
your marriage has been reduced to an exercise in management, one of the
first things to go is intimacy. “Marriage isn’t just about sharing your
body, it’s about opening your heart,” says Gandy. “When those moments
of closeness—both in terms of physical proximity and emotional
bonding—disappear, the consequence can be accusing your partner of not
meeting your needs, which can then be used to justify infidelity.” But
if you’re not getting what you need in either area, the fix may be as
simple as speaking up. “As women, we resist asking for what we want
because our faulty gender programming tells us that our husbands should
be doing it without us having to ask,” Gandy says. “Men respond well to
action-based requests—even if it’s just for an extra hug or making time
each night for a real conversation.”
6. Your union isn’t the centrepiece of your marriage.
Of
course your children are hugely important to you. But if you’re able to
make your relationship with your husband the number-one priority of
your marriage, they too will benefit. “The health and vitality of that
partnership creates a home environment in which kids are fed
emotionally,” says Gandy. It’s easy to get caught up in the age-old
societal construct, where the woman does all the work at home and the
man becomes relegated to the sidelines. “As a result, the husband
becomes increasingly disengaged and passive, and the wife becomes
resentful from overexerting herself,” explains Gandy. “Try to ignore the
instinct to constantly take on more, and instead work on building up
your asking muscles. People around you—especially your husband—will feel
closer to you when you let them help you out. And you’ll find you have time for your children and your relationship.”
7. Someone has control issues.
“The
number-one sign of a toxic relationship is if one partner feels they
have the right to check the other’s email, texts, and Facebook
messages,” says Hunter. It’s a modern version of a
tried-and-true-problem—the feeling that you can’t talk to friends or
family, or that you must report what you’re doing and where you are at
all times. “When someone feels trapped or stuck in a marriage, like
they’re walking on eggshells, it’s a very toxic situation.” If that
sounds familiar, it’s important to get a professional involved
immediately.
8. You’re not willing to adapt.
Between
years seven and 10 is when many marriages hit the rocks, according to
Gandy. “That’s when a marriage is calling for a transformation, and we
don’t know how to navigate it.” But really, it’s the ideal time to
acknowledge that there has been a shift, and develop the skills to move
forward. “The mark of a healthy, strong marriage is that you’re willing
to adjust it by recognizing that there are stages where you may get
bored or annoyed with each other; however, it’s at those times that you
need to remind yourself why you married your husband, the ways you
support each other, and the feeling you had when you first fell in
love,” says Hunter. “Accepting that marriage isn’t always be rainbows and sunshine helps you keep a realistic perspective on the relationship as it progresses.”
9. There’s chronic emotional abuse.
Emotional
abuse is just as serious as physical abuse—and it’s unacceptable. But,
as women, we sometimes disregard our inner knowing for too long in hopes
of bringing things back to the way they once were. If that sounds
familiar, you’re not in a good place to make the best decision for
yourself—or to extricate yourself from the situation. However, if you’re
in a toxic marriage and this has gone on for years, you do need the
help of a trained professional and a support network that can help steer
you onto a clear, safe path.
Associated Press
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